


Exactly Who I Want Him to Be

by bellasgonemissing



Series: Deep Fried Oreos [3]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, One Shot, a lot of internal monologue, i dont know what this is, its literally all internal monologue, slight angst, svthsa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 02:07:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14345697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellasgonemissing/pseuds/bellasgonemissing
Summary: Simon and Bram both have a lot of doubts





	Exactly Who I Want Him to Be

**Author's Note:**

> So this definitley isn't the best thing I've ever written so just bear with me.  
> Simon's POV is from events pre Simon Vs and Bram's POV is during Simon Vs. I've never written properly from Bram's POV before so I hope it's okay   
> And I hope you enjoy it even if I don't really like it.

**Bram**

The first time I let myself consider Simon and Jacques may be one and the same was near Halloween. Jacques had told me he was going to a Halloween party but that it wasn’t really his scene. The next day Garrett was talking to the others at the lunch table about how he was already preparing for it and asking them what they were going to dress up as. I had been invited of course but I don’t know if I would have wanted to go even if my mom didn’t have a work party. Parties aren’t really my scene either. Simon used to go all out on dressing up. I remember past Spirit Weeks when he’d be almost as into it as Abby is. But that day he just said that he was probably just going to throw some dementor robes over his clothes. When excitement for the party became more pronounced I see Leah and him sink out of the conversation, neither of them seeming too enthused about the prospect of alcohol and too-loud music. But so what? A lot of people don’t like going to parties.

**Simon**

The first time I really noticed Bram Greenfeld was at a soccer game in middle school. He was honestly miles better than a lot of Nick and his teammates but instead of yelling and slapping each other’s backs like most other jocks, he just quietly smiled at Garrett and wouldn’t accept compliments. I didn’t notice the way he smiled and blushed at me when he saw me cheering for him.

**Bram**

Jacques told me that he’s dressing up as the perfect mix of a simple and badass. A dementor? It would be too obvious if I asked him that over email. I go with a ninja instead. I hope that he doesn’t connect any dots when I tell him that I have to miss the party. But I shouldn’t even be worried. Jacques is not Simon, that’s just wishful thinking.

Of course I don’t tell Jacques what I’m dressing up as for Decades Day. Something that I can imagine him accidently telling me. I’m nervous for Gender Bender day though. Garrett pushed a cheerleading uniform on me on Tuesday afternoon, telling me I couldn’t protest. All the guys on the soccer team were doing it. I don’t even know where they get this many cheerleading outfits. Every cheerleader must have about ten each. I’m trying to sink as far back into the couch in Mr Wise’s classroom as possible when Simon walks in. His eyes scan over the group of us on the couch and his eyes linger on me for just a second longer. But no. I’m imagining it.

**Simon**

When I got my first girlfriend in eighth grade, I was kind of elated. I mean it was supposed to be pretty cool to be dating someone right? And if I was dating a girl then all those weird feelings about Daniel Radcliffe couldn’t mean anything. Carys was a nice person and I did enjoy spending time with her, but something always felt off. I couldn’t help but think that awkwardly holding hands in the hallways didn’t count as a proper relationship. I thought that Carys was probably a lot more into the whole thing than I was but maybe never actually talking to each other outside of school and feeling very weird about the prospect of kissing your girlfriend is normal. Through all of my doubting and fretting about my relationship. Through hiding in freaking bathrooms at school dances and being too terrified to even look Carys in the eye, I never noticed the crestfallen look on Bram’s face whenever he saw us together.

**Bram**

I kind of hate myself for it, because I absolutely despise football but I really do love homecoming. It is nothing to do with the actual sport, or the parade or anything that people are supposed to go to homecoming for, it’s really just the whole vibe, however weird that sounds. It’s the lights and the fall air and the possibility. That’s what I told Simon, no, Jacques. I’d never seen him at a football game but I couldn’t help but entertain the idea of him coming after I told him that. Perhaps he likes the idea of just existing in the same space like I do. I may not have been actively trying to find out who he is, (I think I may have accidently figured it out anyway) but just knowing that we’re experiencing the same moment and living lives that are interconnected in some way always made me excited. It made him more real.

So when Simon sidestepped his way to wear I’m sitting with Garrett along with Nick, my heart jumped. And bounced rapidly when there’s not enough space so we were sitting just so close together. I had to force myself to shuffle to the side to try and make room. I had to force my eyes from his messy hair waving around frantically in the wind and his hands pushed into his coat pockets. My heart falls back down to it’s normal place when he spotted some of the other drama kids and awkwardly makes his way back through the swarm of kids towards them. My heart dipped lower in my chest when I saw him talking to Cal Price, sort of trying to move closer to him. Maybe he thinks that he’s Blue. But he doesn’t, because he’s never heard of Blue, because he is _not_ Jacques.

**Simon**

Bram started sitting at my lunch table in sophomore year. Honestly, I never payed a whole lot of attention to him. He was quiet. A lot quieter than all of the other jocks. I could tell he would actually be a really interesting person to talk to but I guess the opportunity never arose. Despite eating lunch together every day, we never really hung out together outside of that. I talked to Nick and Leah and Bram talked to Nick and Garrett. I guess that was the only place we connected. With Nick. I never knew what was going on inside his head and I never tried to find out. I never noticed him looking at me for longer than was probably a normal, platonic look. I never noticed him blushing every time I looked in his direction.

**Bram**

It’s Simon’s birthday, which means a huge sheet cake, courtesy of Leah. Leah has always been really good at birthdays, each of us at the table are always provided with a cake. Nick has started sucking up to Abby again though which I can tell is bothering Leah. I guess it bothered me too when Carys and Anna did that with Simon. He looked completely adorable with a party hat strapped to his head and Abby’s golden bow tie taped on. I really have to work harder not to stare. I wished I could do more for his birthday. I wished I could give him something without it being weird. I wished I could do more than mumble a happy birthday because my voice just refuses to work. I wished I could get his email about being completely exhausted and eating too much sugar out of my head. Because there is absolutely no correlation between Simon eating cake and Jacques also eating sugar. It’s not like they’re the only people in the world to eat too much sugar. And I wish I could be brave enough to agree to his idea of meeting somewhere completely dark so we couldn’t see each other. I want to stop being so scared.

Simon

For Nick’s birthday last year, he invited bunch of people over to his house. Despite not being as freaked out by parties as Leah and I, he still wasn’t big on them. Our lunch table group along with some other guys from soccer were led down to his basement where there were (non-alcoholic) drinks and video games. It was the first time I had really hung with any of Nick’s other friends. The first time I properly talked to Bram. We ended up kind of away from everyone else, both sort of lingering around the sides. I made some comment about Nick’s terrible taste in music and it turned out we liked a lot of the same music which was always a sure fire way to start a conversation with me. It’s not like we talked again much after that but it was nice to actually get to know him, even if it was only in a small way. During that conversation, I never realised how extremely tongue-tied he was getting.

**Bram**

I never read the post Simon mentioned in his email but the first day back at school after Christmas break I knew I was right. Simon was Jacques. It was a strange feeling because I was exploding from pure joy but the circumstances of this realisation were horrible. I don’t know what could have led to this. To Simon suddenly being out to the whole world, some stupid post on the Tumblr I guess. I wanted so badly to say something to him about it. To be supportive, to say I could empathize, something, but of course the words couldn’t make it out of my mouth.

I’d told myself for so long that this boy I had a crush could not be the same boy I was falling in love with that it all felt kind of surreal. I had to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I think by now Garrett had caught on to my not so discreet crush and I could see him smirking at me when he saw me looking (probably with disgustingly lovesick eyes) at Simon during lunch. I had definitely caught on to his huge crush on Leah a long while ago. When she gets up from the table in a whirlwind, I can’t help but look at Garrett and bite my lip. I think Simon must be at breaking point and I don’t blame him for it but _he told me to ask Leah out_. Jeez, he really is clueless. I could feel my cheeks burning; I’m surprised I haven’t gone up in flames. I want to tell him that I am completely gay and am in fact his internet boyfriend that has had a crush on him for years but of course I don’t. All I can do is watch Garrett look at me with sympathetic and slightly annoyed eyes. I may know who Jacques is but he sure as hell doesn’t know who Blue is.

**Simon**

I started emailing with Blue in August and it is completely exhilarating and terrifying and confusing. Those emails became a lifeboat. A place where there was nothing to hide and I could exhale. I think I might have broken, exploded without them. I needed them so I wouldn’t snap under the pressure of having to be someone, this one person all the time. Blue didn’t know me, didn’t have any set ideas about me and so I could change and it wouldn’t matter to him. I could be someone my parents and friends didn’t think I was and he wouldn’t even notice. It wasn’t just having someone to talk to about being gay, it was having someone to talk to about just being and them not questioning it. It was falling in love. Falling in love with someone who didn’t care who I was or thought I should be. And never for a second did I think that person was Bram Greenfeld.

**Bram**

I couldn’t wait any longer. I forced myself to press send on that email, telling him I knew who he was. I was terrified, I knew he didn’t know who I was but as much as I told myself it didn’t matter it still hurt to know he wasn’t looking for Blue to be me. I had no idea how he would react. Would he freak out and stop emailing me? Would he demand to know who I am to make it even? I feel terrible for potentially making things weird between us, making him feel weird about these emails that have always been a safe thing.

When Simon’s reply pops up in my inbox, my body feels lighter for just a second. Maybe he did work it out and was just really good at hiding it. Maybe just because he didn’t constantly stare and me and blush whenever he’s around me doesn’t mean he doesn’t know. But no. Of course, I need to stop getting my hopes up about everything. He thinks I’m someone else. Someone who he actually likes, not some guy he’s barely given a second thought to. He wants me to be someone else and now he knows I’m not he’s going to stop talking to me, he’s going to be so disappointed.

But he keeps sending these emails acting like he doesn’t know what’s going which I find hard to believe since Abby keeps making suggestive comments to him about Cal Price and that’s clearly who he wanted Blue to be. But I need him to know just how much I like him, how much I love him. I search websites for hours trying to find the perfect shirt to get him, I write out a note trying so hard to stop my hands from shaking. I write my phone number down, perfectly, so scared of what might come from it and I hang it on his locker and I feel completely nauseated. And he doesn’t call. He doesn’t fucking call because he doesn’t fucking like me and I am so stupid for ever thinking that was a possibility. He probably threw my note away as soon as he saw, didn’t care because I’m not who he wanted me to be. I shouldn’t have done this to myself. I put myself out there which I never do for this exact reason. I will never be who people want me to be.

**Simon**

Bram is exactly who I want him to be. He is so much more than I ever thought he was and I would never want him to be anyone else. I wouldn’t want to be held by anyone else or kissed by anyone else or call anyone else my boyfriend. After we found each other at the carnival he told me how worried he was about me not liking him and I feel like such an idiot. I should have payed more attention, understood when he didn’t want to email me. But as it is with a lot of things with Bram I didn’t look hard enough, I didn’t really see him. I want to reassure him that he is enough a million times because he is so much more than that. The most I can do is kiss him and hope that he understands, hope that he sees what I’m trying to tell him. I definitely see him blushing around me now and sometimes he still gets a little tongue-tied so I hold his hand to show him that this is okay. A lot more than okay actually.

**Bram**

Simon tells me again and again that I am who he wants. He tells me through words and kisses and hugs and the way he holds my hand. And I am so incredibly grateful for him and so incredibly in love. I can’t help but still get anxious sometimes that I am still just getting my hopes up and I like him more than he likes me but I can relax around him now too. I can talk to him and just be with him and nothing feels awkward, it just feels right. So maybe putting myself out there sometimes is a good thing. Maybe I don’t need to be so scared all the time. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the feeling that this is all just an amazing dream and I’ll wake up, still pining for a boy who’ll never like me back. But when he holds me it feels real and his reassurances feel real and I feel like the luckiest person alive to have Simon Spier as my boyfriend.


End file.
